Freya: Memories
I tried to be heartless when we bound him. I tried to be emotionless when I tore his soul to bits, removed his very being and reduced him to nothing but a dying animal. I tried to be indifferent when Balder hurled him from the heavens, tried to watch his long fall without shedding a single tear. At that time I managed to do it all, but the tears all came gushing out of my eyes and heart after everything was over.
I could not remember how long I cried in my brother’s arms. I wept and wept, until I thought my eyes must have fallen out of my head. I shed golden tears for him, my darling Fenris, whom I betrayed to an evil fate. My heart ached so much it was a wonder I did not try tearing it out of my chest.
His stricken eyes haunted me wherever I went; the shock and outrage shining in his irises. Angry though I was because he rejected my love, I was still hurt deeply with what had befallen him. I know he will be angry with me; that he will not forgive me. I needed to forget him. I needed to forget that beautiful silver-haired and yellow-eyed deity who so snared my heart.
In order to forget him I tried to make myself love somebody else. I approached Odin to see if he could help me, and he suggested giving my hand in marriage to the god Od. I agreed, and we were married posthaste. Oh, it was a marvelous party. Every Aesir and Vanir was present. I had a lovely dress made by Frigg, and a silken veil embroidered with pretty flowers. I was very happy then. It seemed everything would go well.
Od was a very loving husband. I grew very fond of him as the ages passed us by. We were very happy, but we did not have any children. Behind my smiles and happiness, deep in my heart I did not want to have Od’s children. Whenever he kissed me, touched me and made love to me, all I see in my mind was Fenris’s eyes, I could hear his sweet laughter, and again and again remember that secret kiss we shared long ago. I did not want any children except Fenris’s children.
The brief happiness my marriage gave me was soon swept away by guilt and shame. I…arranged Od’s death by the hands of Jormungand, Fenris’s youngest sibling, Lord of the Midgard Sea. After my plan was done, I wept golden tears again. Everyone thought I was grieving for a husband that I loved dearly, but they were wrong. I wept because at last I was free, at last my time of illusions were over. At last I belonged to no one except him.
I put away the widow’s garb after a suitable time, and once more I donned my silks and Brisingamen. I set myself to find Fenris, even if I had to scour every last inch of Midgard in doing so. I wanted to see him again.
I climbed upon Odin’s throne and searched Midgard, looking far and wide for my one and only love. I found him, but disappointment sank into my heart. He was in the body of a wretched princess named Claudia, the daughter of the King of Geffenia. The poor girl was crippled by a mental illness, so she was not aware of anything around her except her own, nonexistent world. She couldn’t speak, and she couldn’t respond properly even to her own family.
But even then, my Fenris was still breathtakingly beautiful. I descended from Asgard and went to Claudia’s side. I visited her often in secrecy, playing with her for hours in her room. And she laughed and played with me. Soon I was frustrated with her state. She just smiled at me no matter what I did for her. I tried to heal her mind, but nothing happened. She just got worse.
That was when Utgard-Loki came to me. I was startled when he told me he knew about my feelings for his son. He told me that Claudia needed to be reunited with what she really was; be in one with who she really is. I agreed readily, and for the first time I broke the Law of Manipulation. I stirred up the people of Geffenia and set them against their own neighbors. A war started that left Geffenia’s old capital of Glast Heim into ruins, and Loki moved forward with me and struck down Claudia in the middle of it all.
I watched as Fenris regained his ability to transform. I watched as he turned from the dismal bound wolf into a mortal man. But…his eyes…those were not his eyes! I felt frustration well up in me again. Wailing, I fled Nifleheim and returned to Asgard.
I waited with great impatience as the centuries rolled by. I was ready to hand Loki his son’s powers when I had the chance. I didn’t know where my loyalties lay. I had so many things to tell Fenris, to explain, to make clear. I waited and waited, and I was ready to tear my hair with impatience. That was when I saw him again…
I knew him the moment I saw him wrapped in swaddling infant’s clothes. My eyes were nearly burnt out by his golden intensity, the sheer power of him making me weep with its immensity. I recognized his eyes. Those were the eyes of my beloved. It was he, no matter how many times he was reborn. This was he.
And I fell in love with Fenris all over again.
I couldn’t descend and visit him like what I did with Claudia, but I gave him my special protection. I gave him glory and riches—ah, everything! I wanted him to know of me, I wanted him to acknowledge me. But my brother Freyr would not let me go. I just watched and protected this Nerva as he grew.
But soon, a disaster. A trollop mortal named Haja turned Nerva away from me. I could have ignored it all, but Nerva loved her back. I couldn’t stand it, this cursed sight unfolding before my very eyes. I felt hate blaze within me; I found myself hating that damned girl who so dared touch Fenris and claim him as her own! I bit my lip so hard it bled as I watched them in each other’s arms.
NO! Only one fate will befall that girl, that witch, that slattern!
I moved my hand and struck Haja down. I came for her soul myself and destroyed it, giving her the final death and the penalty for touching my love. She will never be reborn again, now that I have erased her.
Years passed by, and I found myself dealing with other despicable wenches who tried to take my love away from me. I struck them all down and destroyed them forever. And then the winds of change started blowing across Midgard. I sensed Fenris stirring, felt him reaching out to touch the world. I saw it all as he manipulated to no end, pulling and stretching Fate so blatantly than anyone else. I wanted to run to him. I wanted to kneel before him and wrap him in my arms. But I could not. I could not dare.
Another war erupted in Midgard. It was the first Loki had displayed his defiance; shaken it under Odin’s nose like a threatening fist. He unleashed only a quarter of the horrors of Nifleheim and shook Midgard to its foundations. I observed it all, until Odin sent me to bring Nerva into Valhalla for the safety of the cosmos.
I eagerly obeyed and rushed down to obtain Nerva with two Valkyries at my side. I took him from the brink of death and brought him to golden Valhalla. And after that, Fenris withdrew his hand from the world. He grew quiet. But I knew that deep within the endless shadows of his prison, he was still moving and plotting tirelessly.
And I resumed waiting and observing the world.
Currently listening to: Baby Boy by Beyonce
Currently reading: The Path of Daggers
Currently feeling: accomplished
